Cigarettes
by Katastropheeeee
Summary: The flame that was their romance was now suffocating amongst the dying embers. A destructive downward spiral affects more than just the person experiencing it and he had come to know this better than most. Kakashi. OneShot.


Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor the characters in Naruto. I just manipulate them like my own personal voodoo dolls.

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><p><span>Cigarettes<span>

"Where have you been?" hissed the older shinobi, his brow creasing in a mixture between irritation and frustration.

Panic had subsided, rage welling up to replace it.

"Out." replied Sakura simply.

Sauntering past him she made for the bedroom, carelessly allowing her handbag to fall to the floor.

Ordinarily, he'd have picked up the bag and followed her into the bedroom, desperate to initiate a conversation of some description.

Not tonight.

Biting back a sharp response, Kakashi walked out the door that the bubblegum haired kunoichi had just entered, satisfied with the ear splitting slam that issued as the door swung shut.

Stalking down the hallway, he made for open air.

Leaving the apartment he shared with the kunoichi he took the immediate left, resisting the urge to look back.

Walking into the morning light he left the apartment behind, his mind in turmoil.

Though cold, it was bearable.

Returning to the apartment for a jacket wasn't an option.

Still too angry to think straight, he powered on.

Thrusting his hands deep into his pockets the shinobi pulled out a cigarette - after extracting it from the pack with some difficulty.

If Sakura caught him there'd be hell to pay.

Though a functioning drunk, she was still a medic.

Apparently sucking tar into ones lungs was worse than drinking oneself to death.

Hypocrite, he thought.

Pressing it between his lips, he took a strange satisfaction from his small rebellion.

Rummaging around for a lighter, Kakashi tried to force down the burning anger he felt towards the younger kunoichi.

It wasn't so long ago that he thought he'd killed her.

That residual guilt outstripped the intensity of any other emotion he felt towards Sakura. Including love.

Could he still love her?

Kakashi didn't know he could anymore.

At last his fingers closed around their prize, a flame bursting to life.

The S-Rank ninja brought the lighter to the cigarette pressed between his lips.

Puffing on it a few times to confirm that it had indeed caught alight, he tried to push the troublesome kunoichi from his mind.

Breathing in the smoke and its accompanying nicotine, Kakashi felt his rage subside.

With a sigh, he exhaled, the smoke wafting past him as he walked on.

Sakura hated the smell of cigarette smoke.

At this point he didn't care.

The ungrateful wretch had been out for hours, refusing to answer his calls and worrying him sick.

Dawn came and went – and still she did not return.

The older shinobi was moments away from going to find her when she finally arrived home with the air of and haughty conqueror.

Concern forgotten, anger crackled through his limbs.

This was a game to her, plain and simple.

Taking a long drag, Kakashi tried to fill the emptiness that had arrived unceremoniously on his doorstep and had taken up residence in his heart.

When was the last time he'd had a conversation of more than a few minutes with the kunoichi?

It had been so long, he could hardly remember.

Though they may have shared the same bed, there was no intimacy there.

Sakura was either too drunk or not in the mood.

Or she was, but so awfully drunk that Kakashi felt guilty even thinking about it.

Taking advantage of her inebriated state and making love were two very, very different things.

Once he pointed this out to her.

Sakura did not take it well to say the least.

He'd long since dropped the subject, knowing that they'd inevitably argue, which was all they ever seemed to do nowadays.

Displays of affection were non-existent.

A kind word hadn't passed between the two since Sakura had almost lost her life.

The kunoichi was barely home, so opportunities were rare.

Kakashi didn't much like holding a conversation with Sakura while she was drunk either.

The silver haired shinobi wondered why he put up with it.

Although he tried to deny it, he knew.

The mission.

The mission that had gone so terribly wrong, and had almost cost Sakura her life.

His actions had placed the woman he loved in mortal danger, and for that he could never forgive himself.

Sakura's recovery had been long and painful.

To make matters worse, he could see the pity and regret in her eyes every time he looked into them.

Eyes that had once entranced him condemned him every time his own met them.

There was also a well-disguised pain, which cut into him like a knife.

It was his fault she was like this, and she knew it.

Since then, he had pushed her away – terrified that he might hurt her again.

At first Sakura didn't understand, and soon began to respond in kind.

While her rebellions had started small, she'd now turned into a functioning alcoholic.

Instead of wallowing in despair, she used alcohol as a crutch.

While never drunk on shift, Kakashi couldn't recall the last time he'd seen her come home sober.

Their relationship was in its death throes.

What was worse: they both knew it - just neither had the courage nor inclination to make the first move.

Their dysfunctional relationship was a relationship after all.

Something had to be done.

Tossing the cigarette to the ground, he watched it fall.

As it hit the ground ash escaped, caught by the wind and swept away.

Extinguishing the dying embers with his shoe he sighed.

Whether he liked it or not, he had to return – and sooner or later he'd have to do something about their dying relationship.

Trudging back towards the apartment they shared, Kakashi contemplated his next move.

None of them were appealing.

The best thing to do would be to break it off.

They both knew it was as good as over.

Habit more than anything had kept it going as long as it had.

Over the past few weeks he had actively tried to make it work, tried to think of reasons it keep it going.

He had loved her once.

Perhaps he still did, but he knew it couldn't go on like this.

Speaking to Sakura got him no where, but that didn't stop him from trying.

Unfortunately she'd effectively shut him out of her life.

Enduring it wasn't possible anymore.

Out of energy as well as the inclination to try, he knew that this was the end.

Before he knew it, he found himself at the door to the apartment he shared with Sakura.

A stray thought crossed his mind: who would keep the apartment?

Sakura could have it – he most certainly didn't want it.

A grim smile came to life on the shinobi's lips.

Another reminder of his greatest mistake was the last thing he needed.

It was oddly liberating coming to that decision.

Steeling himself, he opened the door, knowing full well that it could be the last time he did so as a resident.

The apartment was a mess.

The chairs were upturned and a wine glass had been shattered on the table, the crimson liquid dripping onto the carpet.

Earlier he would have responded in shock and rushed to find Sakura, to ensure she was okay.

Now he just looked on in mild disgust.

It would take a lot of scrubbing to get that out, he noted.

Kakashi was oddly satisfied at the thought of Sakura cleaning up her own mess for once.

He most certainly wouldn't be around to do it anymore.

"Sakura..?" he called, heading towards the bedroom.

Kakashi found her there, nursing a bleeding hand and another glass of red wine.

The silver haired shinobi sighed.

Once again she was a mess.

Hair unkempt and eyes hollow, she met his stern gaze.

Deep shadows ran under her eyes, giving the impression that she was the unfortunate victim of simultaneous black eyes.

Sleep deprivation and a dependency on alcohol had twisted her into this emancipated creature before him.

Blood trickled down her arm, clashing with her alabaster skin.

Once again he had neglected her.

"What do you want?" she snapped, her eyes narrowing into a glare.

Meeting her cold gaze for the first time in weeks, he prepared himself for the pain he was about to cause. Both of them.

"To talk to you." he replied, leaning against the doorframe.

Sakura took another sip of her wine, the glass slippery with her own blood.

"About what?" she snapped. "My drinking perhaps?" she asked somewhat maliciously, her brow furrowed in mock confusion.

Swallowing hard, she cleared her throat of the bitter liquid.

"Took your sweet time." she sniped, before taking another swig from the glass.

Ordinarily he would have left her alone when she was this drunk, but enough was enough.

"Nope." he said simply.

Sakura cocked her head to the side, honest confusion twisting her features.

"I just wanted to let you know that I'm leaving. I'll be packed by tonight." he stated firmly, before pushing off from the doorframe.

The silver haired shinobi turned to go, considering the conversation over.

Usually it would be.

Normally she was too inebriated to even formulate a response.

Today however, was different.

"Wait, what? On a mission?" asked the kunoichi, her voice betraying her naivety.

Kakashi felt that he had been perfectly clear.

A protracted argument would help neither of them.

Telling her straight was the kindest and least painful way for both of them, and she knew it.

Why was she deliberately misinterpreting this?

Couldn't she see that this was over - or was she blind to all but his failures?

While numerous, her drinking problem could not be so easily overlooked.

"No, Sakura." murmured Kakashi without turning to face her.

Seeing realization dawn upon her features would be too much to bear.

At this moment he realized that he still loved her, regardless of how he had tried to deny it.

Watching her face crumple and her eyes swim with tears was too much for him to bear.

However this had to be done.

"Then what?" she prodded, wrenching him from his thoughts.

Gingerly she stood - he heard her clothing rustle and her bones crack – and began walking towards him.

"What, Kakashi?" she asked again, a hint a panic colouring her tone.

The kunoichi's frantic hands gripped his shoulders and pulled him to face her.

Allowing himself to be moved, he regretted it immediately.

Once she caught him in her gaze, her deep jade eyes seemed to bore into his soul.

If he hesitated any longer, he wouldn't be able to go through with it.

"I'm leaving, Sakura. I cannot do this anymore. This relationship of ours is over." he said firmly.

Kakashi saw the hurt in her eyes as it dawned on her.

For a split second her face was one of utter devastation and a cold fist enclosed around his heart.

"Why?" she asked simply as she hid her pain behind a blank face.

This was the face she showed him, her patients and everyone else.

The mask that that hid her pain and her dependency on alcohol from the world, portraying a collected, responsible medic.

The lie.

The only person who could possibly know the true extent of her problem was the bartender who poured her drinks.

"I can't watch you do this to yourself anymore." he admitted, placing his hand on hers, which hung limply on his shoulder.

Gently he pushed it off.

It fell, and swung by the kunoichi's side.

Sakura seemed to have shut down.

The kunoichi said nothing, her eyes on his and her mouth slightly ajar in shock.

A retreat was necessary.

This was not the kind of reaction that he had expected at all.

"Sakura, I'm sorry." he said as he took a step back.

This broke the kunoichi from her reverie.

"For what? For not leaving me to die alone out there when you had the chance?"

This was Sakura's fallback.

To mention the mission that often left the shinobi wracked with guilt.

Usually Kakashi would back down, the thought Sakura's broken body enough to shut down any anger her felt towards her.

This time was no exception, the kunoichi's mangled form flashing in his mind.

Sakura's spine had broken.

Blood coated absolutely everything, and seemed intent on leaving her body.

Massive internal damage coupled with probable paralysis.

Often he had contemplated leaving her there.

Any other shinobi would have, as they would have seen the severity of her injuries and given her up as a lost cause.

The mission had failed because he selfishly chose to save the kunoichi's life rather than complete it.

Going against all he had been taught, he saved the woman he loved.

In exchange it cost countless lives.

Now he understood why a relationship between teammates was such a terrible idea, and why Tsunade had tried to prevent it.

A shinobi had no business with love.

Inches from death, Sakura had somehow recovered.

Unfortunately it was a long and arduous process.

Not to mention the pain associated with her recovery was excruciating.

As it was, Sakura could never return to active duty again.

Shaking his head he extricated himself from his dark thoughts.

The drunken figure before him was not Sakura.

This was not the person he had risked his life for. Not anymore.

"No." he said flatly. "For giving you another reason to become blind drunk."

The shocked and indignant look on the kunoichi's face as a result of his blunt response broke the thin barrier that had held him back so many times in the past.

Sakura needed to hear this.

"I'm tired of watching you drown yourself in shot glass after shot glass." he snapped, gesturing towards the wine glass in her hand.

Sakura opened her mouth to retort but he cut across her.

"You aren't the woman I sacrificed the completion of the mission for. You are not the woman I loved."

At this a single tear spilled down over the kunoichi's cheek.

Kakashi felt his own heart tighten in pain.

Nonetheless, he found the strength to continue.

"You are a pale imitation, and I have had enough." said the shinobi finally, somewhat shocked by his own detached tone.

This was killing her.

It was etched plainly on her face.

However, he could not suppress his pain and discontent any longer.

This downward spiral of theirs had to stop, or they would both be destroyed.

Finally the kunoichi spoke.

"Where will you go?" she asked, her eyes shining with tears.

"I'm not sure, Sakura, but I can't stand to stay here anymore. I'm sorry." he murmured, biting back the words that would take everything back and return them to their dysfunctional norm.

It was over.

"I'll come and get my things later." he said, more to himself than to Sakura.

The kunoichi simply nodded blankly.

Wrenching his eyes from hers he turned on his heel, walking towards the exit – to freedom.

"You can keep the apartment and the furniture. I'll just drop by later while you are at work to grab my clothes and personal effects." he said as he opened the door.

"Okay." was all the reply he received from her.

With that he left, but before her heard the door to the apartment snap shut, he heard a sob tear from the kunoichi's lips that darn near split his heart in two.

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><p>[EndOneShot]<p> 


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